Let's just jump in shall we... I don't know where to really start so lets just see where we go organically
I have had a hard time pretty much my entire life with the idea of sensuality/sexuality and sex. I was raised in a very strict religion that both demonized sex and over sexualized things- so from the get go I was confused about how to view sex and sexuality. The main things i was taught was that sex was for married couples and for procreation. I’m not really sure where my exposure to sex started, my parents were openly affectionate (gross 🤢) and some of my family members were very open sexually... like I understood what was going on with their “relationships” ... I was always very self conscious of my body with very little reason to be, but hind sight I can see situations where I was overly sexualized as a child even if it was a remark like “that’s too sexy for you” keep in mind this is probably between the age of 11-14 puberty age, I get the protection aspect as a parent but the way it was phrased, and demonized and the fear instilled into me from the get go, has stayed with me even into my own marriage.
I have also had a hard time with the idea of being sexualized because as a society everything is viewed as sexual. I’ve had artists in the past try and help me understand the human form from another perspective and I even had a beautiful line drawing of a couple in my room as a teen. But the idea of being sexualized in a negative light (unwanted sexual attention) made me so fearful that I was unable to develop a healthy understanding of sexuality or proceed into a relationship confidently and thus ended up in situations where I was taken advantage of and it confirmed those fears for me.
But there is also a personality component to this for me, I’m a cancer and that means that for me sexuality is a very emotional and spiritual thing, there must be an emotional spiritual connection for my sacral to be healthy balanced and open, and I didn’t understand this until well... a few weeks ago to be frank. There must also be security, sensitivity and empathy and because I have endured traumas sexual in nature those things hold even more importance in my ability to heal and to be Intimate within my relationship.
My husband feels he has had to ‘pay’ for these traumas, which is unfair to him. And when he said those words I realized that my healing from trauma could not just be in my head, it had to be handled with a different approach. And so I decided that since the universe is giving me no other option I will share this healing, empowering, reclaiming of my sacred fire with you all.
For the past ... at least 2y+ I have spent much of my time trying to only use my sacral for creative visions and neglected the importance of the receptive sexual side of this Chakra and divine feminine energy. It was a flame I was too scared to approach. Many have heard me speak of this flame... and my ‘dislike’ of Aries lol. (Sorry Aries I just don’t get you)
So my goal is that through vulnerability, through all the I’m uncomfortable moments and experiences, growth will happen, that pushing through will lead to the light. This is what my worth is. ... and I just now realized this. So... excuse me while I cry a moment...
My worth, my identity, my sensual being, my sacred divine, she is being called to reincorporate into myself. And I honestly have seen and missed the signs all at the same time (we call this epiphany)
My goal is to share my reclamation of my sexuality and self esteem through vulnerability and exposure to heal the sacral and from trauma/belief, as well as intimacy building... I hope that this will encourage you to heal in some way as well; and hopefully after this is all said and done I can create some kind of workshop for those of you who may be experiencing something similar in your own life.
I asked my hubs how much he was comfortable with me sharing about our dynamic and exposing my self; He didn't really give me a straight answer but is okay with the idea... he knows I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do anyway lol. But I do take his feelings and sensibilities into consideration as we are a partnership.
So get ready cause the exposure is going to be real.